You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
