maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
