the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
