we made out on top of his cat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I AM VODKA MAN
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
