I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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