At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
