The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
