I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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