The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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