and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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