Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
