i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
