they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
As shirtless as possible
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
