some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
