My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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