i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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