He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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