I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
