I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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