If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
