Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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