my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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