Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
