It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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