Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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