Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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