It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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