I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
