I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
