i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
