I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
