if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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