remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
