I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
