Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
