i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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