I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
