I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
