OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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