I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
