Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
