just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
