I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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