My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dignity is for republicans.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
