My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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