I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
