At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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