i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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