I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
