I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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