then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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